After having Sam my first son I had horrible depression from the get go, everyone said it was the baby blues or that I was just lonely from being in another state and having a husband who was working and going to school. The problem is I wasn't just lonely, when my black cloud would visit, I would feel so dark and alone, but I also felt like everything inside me just wanted to burst out. My bed felt like my only haven, but I couldn't even sleep I just laid there, not really present, just dead to the world around me.
When Sam was around 8-9 months I went on medication and it helped really well, but I didn't like the side effects. I just hoped and prayed that what everyone said was right, I was just lonely, being around family would help, having a job would get me out, having a two year old would keep me so busy I couldn't be sad. When we decided to have another baby I wanted to go off my medication to make sure there were no bad effects on the baby, everything went well going off the meds, I got pregnant, I felt great, I had the baby and I still felt great. I had won my black cloud wasn't there, everyone was right, I was just lonely before.
Well Colten is 4 months old now, and slowly my white fluffy cloud has gotten darker, and darker and darker....and I realized last week my black ominous cloud is in full force over me again, its so frustrating, I tend to feel like I failed, like I had all the tools around me to be happy and I still have to fight to get out of bed, to not curl in a ball with this pain, not really physical but kind of, its so hard to describe. This time my cloud is effecting me in different ways, Sam gets the worst of it, and I feel so bad about it. I get so angry with him, so frustrated. And when I am not angry I am either manic, taking on more than I can handle and saying yes to everything! Or like before, I am so deeply depressed I find it hard to function, move and even breath.
Now I am not writing this to get sympathy to make you run away from this depressing girls blog, but my cloud is here, and I know other moms out there have the same issue. I feel like just getting it out there has already helped a little. I am trying to come up with a game plan for battling my depression this time around, I really don't want to go on medication again, its kind of my last resort. I am hoping exercise and vitamin D will help, I have heard of some herbal pills you can take and I may give it a go. I truly just pray that I can continue to fight this battle which seems to be one I will have to face over and over again. Wish me luck with my battle, and let me know if there is anything you have found to help you through your fight against depression.