Jun 5, 2011

Black Cloud

 After having Sam my first son I had horrible depression from the get go, everyone said it was the baby blues or that I was just lonely from being in another state and having a husband who was working and going to school. The problem is I wasn't just lonely, when my black cloud would visit, I would feel so dark and alone, but I also felt like everything inside me just wanted to burst out. My bed felt like my only haven, but I couldn't even sleep I just laid there, not really present, just dead to the world around me.
When Sam was around 8-9 months I went on medication and it helped really well, but I didn't like the side effects. I just hoped and prayed that what everyone said was right, I was just lonely, being around family would help, having a job would get me out, having a two year old would keep me so busy I couldn't be sad. When we decided to have another baby I wanted to go off my medication to make sure there were no bad effects on the baby, everything went well going off the meds, I got pregnant, I felt great, I had the baby and I still felt great. I had won my black cloud wasn't there, everyone was right, I was just lonely before.
Well Colten is 4 months old now, and slowly my white fluffy cloud has gotten darker, and darker and darker....and I realized last week my black ominous cloud is in full force over me again, its so frustrating, I tend to feel like I failed, like I had all the tools around me to be happy and I still have to fight to get out of bed, to not curl in a ball with this pain, not really physical but kind of, its so hard to describe. This time my cloud is effecting me in different ways, Sam gets the worst of it, and I feel so bad about it. I get so angry with him, so frustrated. And when I am not angry I am either manic, taking on more than I can handle and saying yes to everything! Or like before, I am so deeply depressed I find it hard to function, move and even breath.
Now I am not writing this to get sympathy to make you run away from this depressing girls blog, but my cloud is here, and I know other moms out there have the same issue. I feel like just getting it out there has already helped a little. I am trying to come up with a game plan for battling my depression this time around, I really don't want to go on medication again, its kind of my last resort. I am hoping exercise and vitamin D will help, I have heard of some herbal pills you can take and I may give it a go. I truly just pray that I can continue to fight this battle which seems to be one I will have to face over and over again. Wish me luck with my battle, and let me know if there is anything you have found to help you through your fight against depression.


Bryan and Lizzie said...

I am sorry to hear you are struggling. You mentioned you didn't want to take medication again; but if it helped maybe its worth it! You are so right about Vit D and exercise. Vit D helps me a lot. I take it everyday. Also I have heard really good things things about the herb saint john's wart- it specifically treats depression. maybe try looking that up. I hope you start feeling better! don't let that depression think you are not a good mom. I know you are fabulous and a wonderful wife! Love you!

Emily said...

Putting it out there is a great step. I have struggled with depression off and on my whole life and talking about it with friends and family has been the best therapy for me. I have tried it with and without meds and ultimately have decided the meds positives out weigh the side effects. If you didn't like the side effects on your last one, ask your dr for a different rx, everyone is a little different.

I have finally come to realize this is something I will have to deal with my whole life, so I pray for the strenght to do the best I possibly can. I try regularly to reflect on what I have in front of me and remember to take long deep breaths when I think I can't handle something (otherwise I have hyperventalated).

I know we've never met, but if you would like to email more personally or even talk on the phone, please don't hesitate to email me at domesticdeadline@gmail.com. Sometimes someone who has similar experiences can help.

Not Your Ordinary Agent said...

Opening up about this is probably very difficult, so you've made the first step. Don't be ashamed and don't blame yourself. You didn't choose to have this. Your cloud will evaporate soon, just be patient. I agree, if the medicine works, do it. It's nothing to be ashamed of. http://homesandbabies.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for the love an support, honestly just typing my feelings helped and it helped to let my husband read it instead of admiting it, I don't know why but I am always afraid to tell him, I think it's part of the feeling like I failed. I have already seen a difference with the vitamin D I can tell when it is wearing off in the evening so I am thinking about taking one pill in the morning and one after lunch or something I have been taking two in the morning...I do know that if it gets to where I was before I will go on medication, I just hope to hold off until the baby is older or not nursing anymore. Thanks again for all the love it really means a lot to me!